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Diary

Hitting the Wall

This past couple days have been hands down the most tumultous times of 2018. 

I completely lost my motivation to do anything and had to sever ties with one of my most favorite persons for a long time. 

There's a physical phenomenon called "Resonance", in which small amplitudes of multiple waves combine through a constructive interference when their period aligns. This synergy allows people to sing loudly without a mic and on. But now, what I feel like is that all the unfortunate events have somehow resonated and hit me at full speed. 

A couple issues

1. I want to leave America

After my trip to Korea, I've realized that I've felt lonely here. Be it due to language barriers or cultural differences, but the more I think the more I feel like I don't belong here. Not to be racially insensitive, but sometimes I don't see myself befriending a redneck or a goth because they are completely different human beings. 

One of the greatest heritage of American society is that people embrace difference. I also can tolerate some subtleties, but I guess I'm not mature enough, or I came too late to acknowledge different colors of the society. Not that I'm criticizing them, but I feel there's a distance, a big gap that could not be overcome. 

And I also realized that I've been guided/brainwashed to think that staying in America is the best way forward. That could as well be true, because we hear about "SKY" people (essentially HYP equivalent of U.S) coming to the U.S to matriculate. But we don't get to see the darker side of the story. The cultural clash, identity crisis, and the unavoidable lonliness that comes from all the factors combined. 

And after all, there are 50m people in Korea that go about their day to day lives, although some want to escape, the others are happy where they are. So why not me? 

2. But then I have to go to military

Since I'm still a citizen of South Korea, I need to enlist to the army. And at my current age, it is far too late. So I have very limited options. 

M.S/Ph.D

This allows me to pursue a graduate degree and depending on what university I go to , I get to "skip" the service. but I have to study STEM subject. I've studied Physics in college, and that was by far the most confusing academic experience I had. I still don't understand most of the things I've learned, and I definitely don't foresee myself doing it for another 5 years.

Interpreting Officer

This is currently the most attractive option. If I pass the test, I can enlist as an interpreting officer (starting as a lieutenant) where I assist generals/higher ups with translation/interpretation. But then I need to be there for 36 mo. + 4 mo. + 5 mo. for preparing. I'm just not sure if I want to spend 4 years of my life because I want to move back to Korea, although I get to develop leadership skills and learn from interacting with very senior members of the military. 

3. Lost a friend

Without going too much into details, I had to let someone go because that was the only viable option I had. I've known this person for 5 years, and her bubbly and bright personality has endeared me, so I've been infatuated with her for a long time. However, the fact was that we weren't meant to be which left me with the only one option. 

This stank, I've felt that heartbroken feeling that I hadn't experienced for a while. Definitely not a pleasant experience.

With all these combined,

I'm going through lots of high stake struggles. I'm relatively young, but I do understand that choices I make now will steer where my life is going, whether it is North or South (lol). Regardless of what decision I make there will be consequences and that scares me.

I wish someone could provide me all the answers. Or at least, if I look back at my life in a few years, I wish I was contemplating over very trivial things and that it was a right choice.

 

Taeyang YouComment